Thanks so much for visiting us during our journey, Steve, Heather, Ed, Joe, Emily, Hana, Zeke and Samuel!
Being our third adoption, we are familiar with all the steps required to complete the process. Today gave us a new look at the medical exam. We started out the morning getting Sam’s visa photo taken. From there we headed down the street to the Physical Examination Building. The doctors and nurses basically check to make sure the children are healthy. (Note: The stuff we’re doing now is required by the United States; we’re finished with the China end of things.) The hearing test usually consists of someone banging something loudly and if the child responds, he or she can hear. They do a cursory look over the child’s body. Look in the ears and mouth, and generally pronounce the child healthy.
Today we had an eleven-year-old boy to process through the medical exam, and what an experience it was. First, Sam was ushered into the ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat) room. When the nurse pulled out the scope to look into Sam’s ears, Sam panicked. It was unbelievable. None of our other children have ever been overly concerned about seeing a doctor or nurse, and typically, they don’t cry when getting shots. In other words, we’ve never experienced the depth of the meaning of the word “wimp.” You would have thought Sam was being tortured with the scope. This torture paled in comparison with taking his temperature. He endured the vision test, height and weight measurement, and blood pressure cuff with more composure. As we noted earlier, all his molars are rotten in varying degrees and the nurse showed us to be sure we knew that. Sam also passed the basic “look over the body” exam by the doctor, who teased Sam that he wanted his new watch. Then the bottom fell out of Sam’s world. Sam is eleven which means his vaccinations must be brought up to date before he enters the United States. We brought his vaccination record from the orphanage with us in the hope of showing that he didn’t need any shots, but guess what. Sam learned that he needed three shots and pill.
Let’s back up to our first few days with Sam. Sam had a fairly bad sore on the back of his leg and would grimace – you’d have to see the facial gestures he can make to get the full affect of his grimace – indicating that it hurt. Heather pulled out the first aid kit and attempted to get him to lie on the bed, face down, so she could see what the problem was. Grimacing and moaning, he couldn’t do it. She was able to catch a glimpse of the wound from the side, pulled out the ointment and a band aid, and did her best to dress and bandage the wound while he moaned, groaned and basically acted like life was coming to an end. Another day he had a sliver. The reaction over the sliver was worse. I’ve learned that in our country when we call someone a wimp or chicken, there is an equivalent in Chinese. In China, someone who acts like this is called a ghost with a small liver. Sam is a ghost with a small liver.
Well, our medical checkup, which in the past has taken less than an hour, dragged into two hours for Sam. We had to go to the vaccination room. We stood in line, got the vaccination paper that had to be filled out, and learned what shots and pill he needed, then had to pay the additional fee. Then the wait began. The longer Sam waited, the more pained he looked. We were told we couldn’t accompany him when he received the shots, however, Leila could. We never figured that out. Then, it turned out that one person could go with he and Leila and he picked Joe. Go figure! Joe it was.
Steve told Sam to relax his arm when getting shots and it would hurt less. It became obvious, over time, that Sam was not going to relax. In fact, Leila told us that he just about broke her hand with the grip he had on her during the receiving of the shots, and that she didn’t know that a hand could sweat so much. Needless to say, he was a little nervous. He did survive the whole episode, but has grimaced and moaned over the trauma of taking off the little band aids the nurse put on his arm.
During the whole time in the Physical Examination Building, Steve and Heather were concerned, as they were on previous trips to this building with Hana and then Zeke, of what germs might be lurking in the place. Typically they have only had to go to the area where adoptive families go so, while bad, it wasn’t as bad as today. We were there for two hours. For over an hour we waited in a room packed with people hacking, coughing, smoking, and in various states of health and ill-health, who were also waiting for vaccinations and who knows what all. No joke, it was a scary place. To make it worse, we learned that we had to wait an additional 30 minutes after Sam’s shots to make sure he didn’t have a bad reaction and keel over or something. At that point, we were willing to take our chances with Sam’s possible reaction, but no dice. The nurse wasn’t budging and made us wait.
All seemed to go better than we could have anticipated with Sam surviving the whole medical thing, but our pleasure was short lived. We were at the bank exchanging money when Sam became obviously furious with Joe. We couldn’t figure out what the problem was so as soon as we were finished we went back to our hotel room to call Leila. We got to the room and Sam basically threw a major tantrum. We got Leila to come over as quickly as possible and it seems he was accusing Joe of kicking him twice. We were with the boys and if anything happened, it was minor. Certainly not worthy of the display of behavior we witnessed. We think Sam is really terrified of all that’s happening to him right now and that, coupled with the stress of the medical exam, probably put him over the edge. Joe just happened to be the catalyst for this particular episode.
We ended up explaining that if Joe had behaved badly we would typically punish that behavior. However, Sam’s behavior, as a result of whatever had happened, was so bad, in our home Sam would be the one punished. Further, we explained that if both boys spoke the same language, and we weren’t trying to work this out via an interpreter, and we heard the story of Sam’s version what had just transpired, we’d tell them to grow up and toughen up. Our approach at home is typically if there isn’t blood, or broken bones, don’t come whining about some perceived infraction, but work it out.
We have learned that Sam was bullied at times by two older boys. He said they beat him. He’s also accused Joe, during this trip, of beating him three times. We asked if when he says the bullies “beat” him, if he’s using the word, “beat” the same way as when he’s accused Joe of “beating” him. He says no. The bullies hurt him. Joe didn’t. We’re confused, but think he’s scared and trying to make sure a bigger guy, that is, Joe, doesn’t bully him. We have stressed again that if he’s going to be a member of a family, he’s got to give his brothers and sisters a little wiggle room. If he lies about what’s happening, or throws a tantrum every time he perceives a wrong, he will not do well in a family. He must work with us here. Further, he was told, that if he throws anything that we’ve given him, in a display to show us he’s ticked off at us, whatever it is that was thrown will go straight in the garbage and he’ll never get it back. He’s agreed to not throw anything again. He’s also agreed to work with us and stop getting so angry every time he perceives some wrong has been done to him.
Because of the accusations by Sam of Joe beating him, we had asked Joe to back off and keep some distance. Sam, though, keeps initiating play with Joe and then, when least expected and, from what we can tell, without foundation, accuses Joe of another infraction of some kind, like we had today. We’ve made it clear to Sam that Joe will not be asked any longer, nor will our other four children, to maintain some artificial constraints in an attempt to keep Sam happy. We won’t live like that and it doesn’t work anyway. Sam seems to get upset regardless of what we try. Thus, we will live our lives like we always do, Sam will be one of the family, and hopefully, over time, he will learned that love and acceptance comes from a bond that is based on honesty and openness, not some artificial world that we can’t even understand. Further, we have told Sam that he will not be treated as special because he isn’t. No one in a family is singled out as special. Rather, we are a family unit and all are equal parts of that unit. No one person can think they’re “special.” We also said that bad behavior will be punished. And bad behavior and crying over nothing, does not garner attention in our family. Good behavior, and working through difficulties with your brothers and sisters in a positive way, is what gets a person the attention they’d like.
We continue to work with Sam, to try to meet his needs, and be sensitive to what he’s going through. We also continue to train Sam in what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This will take some time, but it is part of the commitment we made when we started the process to adopt Sam. Please keep praying for Sam’s sensitivities and that what’s really bothering him comes out in acceptable ways. And please keep praying for this transition. It’s a little difficult right now, but every day we’re making progress.
After we got Sam settled down, we completed all the paperwork required for Monday’s U.S. Consulate appointment, and then had dinner out with the other families that are here with us. Overall, it was a nice evening for everyone after an exhausting day for Steve and Heather.
Blessings to all our friends and family,
Steve, Heather, Joe and Sam, only four more full days in China, and
Ed, Emily, Hana and Zeke at home, along with Grandma and Aunt Sue, hanging in there.
