I decided it was good to work on my post early in the day and then add something later if I needed to. My brain is "fresh" and my heart is lighter.
I can't help but wonder if there is a son waiting here for us. I want to be open to that possibility. But, this is journey is so long and difficult, I just don't know if my heart would ever be able to do this again. Meeting your child holds so many hopes and dreams. I guess some people see their dreams when they meet their child, but for us it seems to be more difficult. I really tried to re-align my expectations this time; not expect it to be a beautiful "When Love Takes You In" type of moment (a Steven Curtis Chapman song about adoption). I think I was pretty real in my expectations. I even posted on a discussion board I am part of that I really hoped Anna would like me when I met her. That is the one thing I wasn't prepared for: her NOT liking me.
It's a good thing I typed my post yesterday afternoon, because after our river cruise last night, I wasn't in any state of mind to type anything that should be permanently recorded. :) I got Anna off to bed and tucked myself in, too. It was then, in the stillness of those moments, that I put myself in Anna's shoes. No wonder she looks at me with terror and fear in her eyes. Does she wonder when I am going to leave? How can she allow herself to receive something she doesn't yet understand?
My heart has grown more compassionate for her, and in turn, I love her even more.
I came into this experience convinced that what helped Amy to attach was the time I wore her in the carrier while in China. For those who didn't follow our journey - she literally wouldn't let me out of her sight and NEEDED me to hold her. I didn't want to and it was a chore. I psyched myself for this trip - I WILL wear Anna and we WILL bond. I didn't expect that a week into it, she would hate to be close to me so very much. After discussing it with Chris this morning on the web cam, we decided that it was best to have the best week possible - and if that meant that she rides in a stroller some of the time, then so be it.
I wanted to enjoy a morning of shopping for gifts. And - you know what? I did. Anna did, too.
I refuse to give up the ground that we have already made. Anna will snuggle, cradled in my arms for her bottles and I will not give that up. Heck - I can't give that up! The way she looks at me while she is sucking that thing down... well, it's the look I wish I got all the time. But, it is something; something precious and I will take that.
This afternoon I believe that Anna took a few giant leaps forward. She spent some time cuddling me after her nap; not me forcing it, but her initiating it. It was mixed with sobs and tears, but that made it all the sweeter for Momma to comfort her. As she was crying, I felt the gentle nudge from Galatians 6:9 (do not grow weary from doing good - for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if I do not give up). Ahhhh. I love that!
We went for some Thai food tonight at the famous Cow and Bridge! Yum! Pad Thai noodles!!! Anna enjoyed slurping up quite a few (just like Amy did 15 months ago!). We met up with another family from our agency and their little Micah is something else! He was flirting with Anna like crazy. By the end of the night, they were blowing kisses to each other!
We had the joy of meeting Alan and Wendy's little Levi tonight. He is absolutely handsome... I can't wait to watch him blossom!
I told my kids that Amber, Anna and I only have 4 more sleeps until we can leave to come home! That doesn't seem like too long now.
Anna's medical exam is tomorrow. We are in the home stretch!
The picture I never imagined that I would post...
Slurping noodles!
Anna sporting her hat that matches Amy's and her cousins Esther and Abigail!
